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Jokes, humor and plain rubbish (in hindi to the end)

February 16, 2011

Mohan, mdashf


REST ROOMS and MALLS

(Im) In restrooms here in USA: “Please take time to Blush”, I rubbed my eye  and flushed.

(Im) In a restaurant in USA: “Z sauce” we’r outta all sauce

(Rl) In a mall in India: “Sign points to Drinking water and ladies toilet”

I think they just were doing bad business on bottled water cos they had provided clean drinking water in the mall
and then the super smart manager came with this idea. (This one you gotta believe me, I can literally tell you where)

Blasphemy or Heresy
————————-
When I entered USA everybody was like “Jesus Cries, Jesus Cries”. I was very naive at that time.
I really was very compassionate and I went and sat in a corner feeling sorry for Jesus.
I thought probably mother Mary didn’t give him enough candies for he didn’t do his homework.

When I entered USA everywhere I went I heard “Holy crap”.

I was very naive and I didn’t know what they really mean by holy crap. To be very frank I don’t know to this day what they really mean by that. But I was very inspired and the usefulness of parallel value system wasn’t unknown to me.
Now I came from this beautiful and strange country  where cow was very holy and so was cow crap. I instinctively knew what they could possibly mean by holy crap. The only holy figure in this country was Jesus. I am really not sure if they mean “Jesus dung” when they say holy crap.
When I am sleeping, people say “Amen”.
————————————————

This thing that they call a name, you know, like your name or my name, yeah thats a noun. I am very naive.
When they say what somebody is doing I always tend to think if I know his name I can tell you what he is doing
because at some level I think names are given to reflect what we would be doing. All I need to know is the name
and convert the noun into a verb and my job is done.

You know, like,

Hey what Neil is doin today?
Well he is ‘kneeling’

What about Nail?
He would be nailing

Somebody was too inspired to name his son Kill.
What is he doing?
He is Killing.
Is he killing somebody today?

I wouldn’t know, I am Dash, I am just dashing.

Teaching C++
—————-
This is how I will teach C++ (if ever)

Girlfriend truth finder logic, has to be loaded on a scanner output.

//Girl? = is a girl?
//Friend? = can be a friend?
//scan over everybody you come across, answer in ‘yes’ or ‘no’

for (people i = 0; i < everybody; ++i)
{
((Girl?)&&(Friend?))
||
((Friend?)&&(Girl?))
}

Output of scanner in real world

No
No
No
No
..
..
..
May be (bug in scanner, emotional interference)

//Scanner enters Dreamworld
No
No
No
..
..
..
There you are(=Yes)

Homework for software professionals: A programme that will truth-find girlfriend or a boyfriend

Homework for the advanced: Find all bonds possible, socially acceptable or real world bonds.
(don’t bother me with answers, you have been very disruptive in my class)

Homework for PhD guys: Find any mistakes or just sleep.
Proselytization
——————
And I hate proselytizers. I miss my bus because of them and I can’t sleep because they knock on my doors .

This really happened.

P: Hi bro

M: hey

P: You heard Beethoven?

M: No
(I am thinking one part of that no is yes)

P: He played Piano long long ago
(No wonder I didn’t hear him)

M: Oh BEThoven, yes!

P: You heard Zsauce Cries?

M: Ofcourse
(thinking Mother Mary didn’t give him candies, he didn’t do his homework)

P: You have a personal relationship with Zsauce?

M: No
(smart ans, didn’t want to buy candies)

P: Thats very sad man.

M: But I have bible and hymns with me. I hear concerts about him.

P: Oh good. Is there someway I can ‘pay’ for you?

M: What do you mean?
(why and what would he pay for me, I was honestly thinking. No kidding, when I tried to remember and wrote pay I understood he said pray.)

P: You know, is there someway I can answer your questions about him?

M: You know sometimes I read this, the bible. I looked around, saw the bus leaving, said NO and ran.

P: Man I am sorry man, you missed your bus.
(This is what happens when you don’t have personal relation with Zsauce)

Why I did not chose string theory ?
—————————————

There are “The shitters and Aunti, The shitters” (de sitter theory and there opponents)
===========================================================
How to know a Physicist from others.
These six never escape him.

The six quarks
1. (the) Beauty (or alternatively the bottom)
2. (the) top
3. (the) strange
4. (the) charm
5. (what’s) down
6. (what’s) up

How he does it.
beauty => he looks
top => he opens
strange => he finds
charm => he enjoys
what’s down => he digs
what’s up => he feels

Physics, Money or Light in the world????

I always live my place, people and time.

The apple and the earth both have the equal gravity of attitude. The apple is visibly agitated, it rushes with great speed towards earth. How perturbed the earth really is was known centuries ago. But its a pity even the students of Physics consider it out of fasion since they can talk any crap about string theory and glueball and pretend that they are giving the impression of a Physicist. There are then the practical kind that can give you the impression of a Physicist just by lighting up a cigar or growing a pony tail. It just reminds me of the Sadhus I always came across when I grew up in India. Some exuded a brilliant charm when they spoke. The others took a clue from them and grew the hair, wore the right color but never had the gift of the gab or the charming voice or knowledge of a real sadhu. I have grown to believe they co-exist to each others benefit. They give each other the required contrast except in their physical appearance. That provides us all the means to separate the genuine from the fake.

What forces of Nature does to regular people.

If you come and give me a ‘hug’ with your “gravity” my “weak” heart will ‘decay’ and if you tamper with the “electromagnetic” ‘currents’ in me I’ll give you a “strong” ‘lip’ kiss.

Gravity force = hug type attraction
Weak force = breaks my heart type decay
Electromagnetic force = chemistry in our body type current
Strong force = lip kiss type bonds (asymptotic freedom???)

Dear Society:

Science allows mistakes.  take a clue.

an Experiment failed. Theory isn’t thrown away.

an Application failed, Experiment that led to the application is still valid.

A technology failed, Application that led to the technology is used again.

A mistake in keeping or protecting the “value” of Ahimsa is not Himsa. Its a mere mistake. Together we can envision scientific thinking in every sphere of society to upheld such values important for any society.

Its finally time to tag Gandhism unnecessary for a modern scientific society with the due recognition to Gandhi as a world renowned political salesman of Theory of Ahimsa which was originally propounded and established in word (theory), spirit (experimentation) and action (application) by Ashoka. Its a common sense that Himsa gave birth to Ahimsa and Ahimsa should always be upheld and the best way to upheld it is by remembering or safe keeping the source of Ahimsa spirit. Any deviation from it is a reflection of Rationalist thinking which resembles the situation of milking a sperical cow. A milkman will laugh his belly out at these sort of rationalisation and this is the reason why society is always in double mind about the validity of utilizing the service of Science towards solving Society’s problems. Like we can’t prevent the existence of the fake in the Society we can’t prevent the infiltration of the Rationalist and the fake in Scientific communities. They wear logical raincoats to save themselves from rain while we can laugh because even if Science did not provide a promised umbrella we still have the answer that Science always provides and a hopefull tomorrow when we can hold a real umbrella and hug our Rationalist brothers under the umbrella although I am fearful we will wet ourselves inside. To determine who really pissed on who and out of what doesn’t then need a Scientific solution but a dramatic answer most probably in a movie or theatre.

Scene #1

: Asalam malikum
::: Malikum asalam
: Kya Miyan sab khairiyat!!!
::: Jahanpana, South India mein gadbad chal raha hai
North India mein speaker ne bolna band kar diya
: Kya miyan, ye roz ka problem lagta hai
halal khate ho aur lal lal peete ho, par hamesha char minar ke nazdik gadbad. Aur yahan ake kawali sunate ho. Sab ne naak band kar rakha hai

Shuru karte hain, “Shree Cartoon chalisa” ke sath.

Jai “shree cartoon” gyana guna sagara
Jai “kapi” sati hoon loka ujagara.
“Bajapayee doota” atulita baldhama
“Clinton putr”, “Hilary soota” nama
Maha beera, bikrama, bajrangi
Kumati niwara, Kumati ke sangi
Kanchana barana beeraja subesha
Kanana kundala par nahin kesha
Scene # 2

jai Bajrang bali
kholde sabki choli
(khul gayee)
Kahin se Nariyal to kahin se santre tapke

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